Freakin' Lemons!
It was just supposed to be the SO getting a haircut and me doing a bit of shopping. THAT'S ALL. Just a couple of hours and back home to hang out with a certain visiting relative. Then he gets a call from *gulp* his sister. "We're in the city at a wedding. Do you guys want to get together afterwards?" I hate that she assumes that we will just drop everything to get together with her. It might be different if she were interesting. Or pleasant. She is neither. And her husband. Where do I begin? The word "cuckhold" comes to mind. also "idiot". oh, and "boor".
The SO is talking to his sister on his cell phone. He holds the phone to his chest and asks me where we should meet them. "I don't know. How about the DeYoung Museum?" My thought was that it's a brand new building touted as an architectural marvel and it's in beautiful Golden Gate Park.
"It's too cold in the park right now." was her charming response to my suggestion.
Before I could even think, the words, "Hayes Valley" came out of my mouth. I love Hayes Valley. I do most of my shopping in Hayes Valley. I'm friendly with many of the sales people in the stores in Hayes Valley. The thought of exposing these friendly sales people to this Couple From Hell crossed my mind a split second after I let the recommendation leave my lips. If I could've sucked the words back into my mouth I would have, but it was too late. The SO immediately offered up my recommendation into his cell phone. "Shit", I thought to myself, "Too late." I could hear her response coming through the phone, "Ohh! Okay!!!"
So there we are standing on the corner of Gough and Hayes waiting for "them". The SO looks over my shoulder and says, "There they are. Uh-oh... she's wearing her MuMu".
"Please god, no. Please god, Please god, no." I chanted quietly under my breath as I turn around with as sincere a smile as I could muster. I was met with the sight of his size 18 sister pondering across the street in an electric blue sea shell print batik skirt with matching top. Not exactly a MuMu, but close enough. She rolled the fashion dice by wearing a white *gulp* bodysuit under the ensemble and tieing the shirt in the front. How she managed to get a knot into the front of the shirt was nothing short of an engineering miracle. The highlight of the whole thing was her bodysuit covered stomach straining for release in the space between the bottom of the shirt and the top of the long, billowy skirt.
The brightly colored outfit was the complete opposite of his sisters expression - a scowl was plastered across her rodent-like face. The large mole just above the left corner of her upper lip was glowing red. Never a good sign. "Parking sucks around here." were the first words out of her mouth as she lumbered up to us. Charming, right? Her pile of a husband came skittering up behind her as he sputtered some sort of apology - to HER - about the parking. As if he or ANYONE had any control over the situation.
I ignored both of them and simply said, "Hi!", again mustering as much sincerity as I could and trying to mix in some cheerfullness.
She was looking at the SO's new haircut (which was FABULOUS). She shot a greeting over her shoulder at me as she ran her hand through the SO's hair. "It's so SHORT!!!" she scream-whined. "Where'd all the BLONDE go???? Why didn't you HIGHLIGHT it????"
"Because it's not 1999 and we don't live in Antioch." I said under my breath.
I was holding two shopping bags (I had a chance to run into Gimme Shoes before they showed up) that she eyed suspiciously. "You BOUGHT something already???"
"Well... we were just waiting around for you... I just ran into Gimme for a sec... I saw these..." I stammered. (Why was I apologizing for shopping to her?)
She didn't wait for me to finish and interupted me by screaming, "So what the HELL is there to do around here??? Is it just me or is it FREEZING here? 'Course, I guess I shouldn't be surprised - it IS 'The City', I suppose. SWEETIE??!!??!!!!! Run back to the car and grab my shawl."
(She doesn't talk. She screams. She always screams)
I thought to myself, "A SHAWL???? There's a SHAWL that goes with this outfit???" Shudder.
Before her husband could go skittering off to their car, I said, "Hang on. We're standing in the shade... it's much warmer in the sun."
"You'd better be right." Was her ominious response.
Lovely. Just fucking lovely.
I figured I may as well make the best of a bad situation and suggested we wander down the sunny side of the street and do a bit of shopping.
The first store we encountered was the newly opened Timbuktu concept shop. Harmless enough... we wandered in as I explained to the Husband that all the bags in the store were limited edition - made from specialty fabrics that could only be found in this particular shop. He ignored me and screamed across the shop to his wife, "SWEETIE, I DON'T THINK WE'RE COOL ENOUGH TO BUY ANYTHING IN HERE!!!!!" I literally BACKED UP out of the front door. Little did I realize that he was going to say this in EVERY SINGLE SHOP THAT WE WALKED INTO. I swear to god, he did.
At one point I managed to extract myself from the group again and whipped out my cell phone to call my sister to "talk me off the ledge".
"Why can't they be like YOUR neice-in-laws??? All pretty and blonde and tasteful????" I whined into my cell phone as I sucked the life out of a cigarette.
She said something like, "Nobody cares."
I know she's right. But I was still mortified.
We ended up in Frjtz, the Belgian French Fry and Crepe bistro on the far end of Hayes St. As we sat trying to decide what to order, the Husband announced that he wanted the crepe with Nutella and Bananas. At this, The Wife screamed, "YOU just go RIGHT AHEAD and order whatEVER you want. Nevermind what anybody ELSE wants. YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD AND THINK OF JUST YOURSELF AS USUAL!!!"
"We can order a couple of crepes and share!!" I stammered, trying desperately to avoid what I was sure would end up with the Husband sprawled on the floor with a bullet hole through his head.
She turned and screamed at me, "NOBODY ELSE LIKES BANANAS!!!!"
"I do." (What was I thinking? What the HELL was I thinking??????)
Surprisingly, she softened a bit. Then she offered an explanation of sorts, "Oh. I'm just PMS-ing and nothing sounds good to me."
"Well... I guess that explains everything!"
We ordered our crepes and, thankfully, she ignored me for the rest of the time we spent with them.
sheesh
The SO is talking to his sister on his cell phone. He holds the phone to his chest and asks me where we should meet them. "I don't know. How about the DeYoung Museum?" My thought was that it's a brand new building touted as an architectural marvel and it's in beautiful Golden Gate Park.
"It's too cold in the park right now." was her charming response to my suggestion.
Before I could even think, the words, "Hayes Valley" came out of my mouth. I love Hayes Valley. I do most of my shopping in Hayes Valley. I'm friendly with many of the sales people in the stores in Hayes Valley. The thought of exposing these friendly sales people to this Couple From Hell crossed my mind a split second after I let the recommendation leave my lips. If I could've sucked the words back into my mouth I would have, but it was too late. The SO immediately offered up my recommendation into his cell phone. "Shit", I thought to myself, "Too late." I could hear her response coming through the phone, "Ohh! Okay!!!"
So there we are standing on the corner of Gough and Hayes waiting for "them". The SO looks over my shoulder and says, "There they are. Uh-oh... she's wearing her MuMu".
"Please god, no. Please god, Please god, no." I chanted quietly under my breath as I turn around with as sincere a smile as I could muster. I was met with the sight of his size 18 sister pondering across the street in an electric blue sea shell print batik skirt with matching top. Not exactly a MuMu, but close enough. She rolled the fashion dice by wearing a white *gulp* bodysuit under the ensemble and tieing the shirt in the front. How she managed to get a knot into the front of the shirt was nothing short of an engineering miracle. The highlight of the whole thing was her bodysuit covered stomach straining for release in the space between the bottom of the shirt and the top of the long, billowy skirt.
The brightly colored outfit was the complete opposite of his sisters expression - a scowl was plastered across her rodent-like face. The large mole just above the left corner of her upper lip was glowing red. Never a good sign. "Parking sucks around here." were the first words out of her mouth as she lumbered up to us. Charming, right? Her pile of a husband came skittering up behind her as he sputtered some sort of apology - to HER - about the parking. As if he or ANYONE had any control over the situation.
I ignored both of them and simply said, "Hi!", again mustering as much sincerity as I could and trying to mix in some cheerfullness.
She was looking at the SO's new haircut (which was FABULOUS). She shot a greeting over her shoulder at me as she ran her hand through the SO's hair. "It's so SHORT!!!" she scream-whined. "Where'd all the BLONDE go???? Why didn't you HIGHLIGHT it????"
"Because it's not 1999 and we don't live in Antioch." I said under my breath.
I was holding two shopping bags (I had a chance to run into Gimme Shoes before they showed up) that she eyed suspiciously. "You BOUGHT something already???"
"Well... we were just waiting around for you... I just ran into Gimme for a sec... I saw these..." I stammered. (Why was I apologizing for shopping to her?)
She didn't wait for me to finish and interupted me by screaming, "So what the HELL is there to do around here??? Is it just me or is it FREEZING here? 'Course, I guess I shouldn't be surprised - it IS 'The City', I suppose. SWEETIE??!!??!!!!! Run back to the car and grab my shawl."
(She doesn't talk. She screams. She always screams)
I thought to myself, "A SHAWL???? There's a SHAWL that goes with this outfit???" Shudder.
Before her husband could go skittering off to their car, I said, "Hang on. We're standing in the shade... it's much warmer in the sun."
"You'd better be right." Was her ominious response.
Lovely. Just fucking lovely.
I figured I may as well make the best of a bad situation and suggested we wander down the sunny side of the street and do a bit of shopping.
The first store we encountered was the newly opened Timbuktu concept shop. Harmless enough... we wandered in as I explained to the Husband that all the bags in the store were limited edition - made from specialty fabrics that could only be found in this particular shop. He ignored me and screamed across the shop to his wife, "SWEETIE, I DON'T THINK WE'RE COOL ENOUGH TO BUY ANYTHING IN HERE!!!!!" I literally BACKED UP out of the front door. Little did I realize that he was going to say this in EVERY SINGLE SHOP THAT WE WALKED INTO. I swear to god, he did.
At one point I managed to extract myself from the group again and whipped out my cell phone to call my sister to "talk me off the ledge".
"Why can't they be like YOUR neice-in-laws??? All pretty and blonde and tasteful????" I whined into my cell phone as I sucked the life out of a cigarette.
She said something like, "Nobody cares."
I know she's right. But I was still mortified.
We ended up in Frjtz, the Belgian French Fry and Crepe bistro on the far end of Hayes St. As we sat trying to decide what to order, the Husband announced that he wanted the crepe with Nutella and Bananas. At this, The Wife screamed, "YOU just go RIGHT AHEAD and order whatEVER you want. Nevermind what anybody ELSE wants. YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD AND THINK OF JUST YOURSELF AS USUAL!!!"
"We can order a couple of crepes and share!!" I stammered, trying desperately to avoid what I was sure would end up with the Husband sprawled on the floor with a bullet hole through his head.
She turned and screamed at me, "NOBODY ELSE LIKES BANANAS!!!!"
"I do." (What was I thinking? What the HELL was I thinking??????)
Surprisingly, she softened a bit. Then she offered an explanation of sorts, "Oh. I'm just PMS-ing and nothing sounds good to me."
"Well... I guess that explains everything!"
We ordered our crepes and, thankfully, she ignored me for the rest of the time we spent with them.
sheesh
posted by Shuboy at 4:13 PM
3 Comments:
Okay - for some reason this brought to mind. Our outing to the Movie Theatre where we ended up in an argument with two other kind of large patrons (women). They said something rude to you and you chimed back "at least I'm not fat". The fat one's friend then started to cry and stated that she is really trying hard to lose weight. I then started to cry and proclaimed "don't feel bad he used to be fat in High School!" ??:)
Funny thing, I can't remember what movie we saw - just what happened afterward...... ??
And the really scary thing is that it was 25 years ago!!!! Am we supposed to be grown up now?
xoxo
Suz
PS
always remember, don't come in the kitchen when I'm cooking!!!
You SAID that???? OHMYGOD! We saw - and it scares me that I remember this - Bachelor Party with Tom Hanks and Adrian Zmed. Anna and Frank were with us.
Here's how it went down. We were walking out of the crowded movie theater. you were telling a story and you stopped suddenly to make a point. the fat girl said, "Why don't you calm down???" and I turned to her and said, "Why don't you lose weight?". Theres WAY more to this story, but I'm too embarassed to go on!
YOU are responsible for my fear of being in a kitchen with others!
OMG you are right.... that is AMAZING that you can remember all that detail. And what's really funny is that you agreed with me and said YES, YES I was.....
That was a very weird event.
xo
S
PS
sorry about your kitchen issues -- I now have (3)40" (ish) little people with me in the kitchen ALL THE TIME! Karma?? :)
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